Anger and Rage

I’ve felt couple times the anger and impulse to lash out today. Then I felt closeness with people. The same people I was angry at. It’s so dangerous because this job is my life. Nobody needs it more than I do. I’d like nothing more than being liked. But I’m pissed that nobody trusts me. And the feeling is mutual. There’s no friend. I burn my ex’s eyes by texting him my anger towards the world and that he is a part of it. That feels cathartic.

I want to disappear into nothing right now. And cleanse this space of my existence. Cleanse this office of my existence and make everyone’s reality clean, pure, happy, positive. I can’t change what I’ve said and done  and what I look like. I look like the unwanted bitch. The erratic and weird person, who brings everyone down. NO I don’t know that for sure. Nobody said any of this. I know that they think that I’m bad. What else can it be? What else can it look like? I’m bad by my own standards. I’m blaming everyone for thinking that way about me. But I can read between the lines.  I’m self deprecating. I’m even aware that I’m not all bad. But I’m blaming everyone for my anger. They don’t respond. They block me out. They don’t forgive. They don’t ever agree. They don’t welcome. They don’t encourage. They don’t care about me. Look, what a baby I am. I want all this for myself. I want to be accepted and I can’t accept myself. I can’t care about anyone else’s pain or preference, so this shit happens to me.

Fuck you, world. Fuck you, girl.

God, when did I relapse into this weakness? I have struggled so far to create a new life. Ever since college. After being tired of sadness and loneliness. I’ve fought to change it. The worst demons eat you from inside.. But  I was successful, and very close one too many times, but it comes back to this filthy ditch of hatred. When will this struggle end? When will I be fixed?

The therapists are booked until late January. What a joke, this humanity is. Can’t even pay a person to be there. Everyone is so shamelessly indulging in their healthy emotional lives. What happens when I die? You’d all feel guilty. At least for a day. And I’ll haunt your nightmares. Every once in a while. You know why I’m not afraid of ghosts and demons anymore? Because I’m one. I scare people in the darkness. I have nothing to lose. No happiness, no children, no luck. Everything I have, I have fought tooth and nail for. It was never pretty. So I’m not afraid of ghosts in the dark to take away my beautiful dreams.

 

 

 

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I just miss how tight my team used to be- at my old job. We could depend on each other. They were so smart. I had so much to learn from them- technically, personally. And yet they always treated me like a little sister. Always encouraging, having fun.

L. my old boss, such a big heart. He treated us like his family. Took us out to lunch. And yet we would give our 110% to work for him. Take up every challenge he threw.. He was never vicious. He encouraged me through my spiritual crisis too. He had lunch with us. He made fun of himself .

None of this vicious selfish things that my current ass of a boss J. does. He keeps struggling like a baby for our respect. Comes across as a tyrant. Not the brilliant tyrant like House MD. But a loser. Trying out machiavellian politics to win the world.

His time will come. God help me. I feel like I’m being raped by a person’s ego. Again. Why?

I asked my teammates if they feel the same. I don’t know why I made this mistake again. They obviously broke my spirit.

Im in a faithless world. This is making an atheist like me feel like going to a church. Somewhere people are nice for the sake of it. They lie to you to see you happy and you don’t have to be their boss to receive that favor.

I just send a facebook message to my old boss L. to congratulate him. His big heart has taken him to a big city and big company. Petty people rot in small places. Like J. I want to be like L.

 

He gets on my nerves. I mean he has a long experience working in this department, but none whatsoever about the outside world. Now that we have a new management, outside experience is appreciated and traditional ways are being undermined. He’s my boss. I can help him. He doesn’t want my help. He wants my service. My servitude.

He shuts me up. I shut myself up.

I get so enraged sometimes , that i have to suppress my feelings.. Im afraid I might say something. I have fought with my friends in the past because I’m angry with him. Then I blame myself, – why do i get so angry? he is the boss, I am the servant. I should be the sneaky cunning fox that gets her way using sweet words. After all , all I want from this job is a green card, right? Priorities, girl..

He picked me up and gave me a chance when I was in torment, had no job and was scared of having to leave the country. But 3 years later, I care more about standing my ground, quality of my product, teaching my peers.

Is this what my mom meant when she said that my rough attitude will make me suffer so much in life? She told me i needed to learn how to bend. This type of head strong behavior sin’t seemly on a woman.